I enrolled on an Open University course.

I was very very happy. At long long last we had enough money for me to afford doing some study on whatever I fancied. And I had fancied - in a real deep meaningful way, a way that made me feel depressed for years because there was always this ghost of 'studying' flittering around my head and I had never been able to lay that ghost to rest - that once I did some 'studying' I would forever be grateful and work hard at my studies and show everyone what a brilliant mind I had and that I really was intelligent so there!

So. I enrolled on this short course back in February. And I worked out, very seriously, the degree course I was going to aim for in October this year. And I knew my timetable inside out. And how much it would all cost. And how many years study it would take. And I knew why I had chosen the subject I had chosen.

And I was content.

In fact, I noticed in March that I had a new trickle of confidence flitting to and fro in my mind. A new sense of 'being'. I felt another level of 'difference' within myself. And I put that down to at long last laying the 'studying ghost' to rest. My little ghost was warm and snug and sleeping peacefully. And it was all a very pleasant experience.

And here we are in May.

I have now visited that far country that I have seen from afar for so many years. It is a lovely place. Exciting. Mysterious. Challenging. I am torn because I would love to live in that far country for a long long time. To explore all its nooks and crannys. To know it well. I am torn because I love another country that is closer to home. I cannot live in both places at once. And I cannot travel to and fro from one country to another. Alright - I could visit both countries in turn but I have decided not to do this.

Because.
 
It seems all I had to do was find a place for that ghost to rest peacefully. The poor thing was worn out with 41 years of regretful flittering in my head. Now that she is sleeping peacefully I find that it is not the 'studying' I was craving. It was the peace of mind I was craving.

The hills of that far country look inviting. But I have hills in my own country to roam across. I have many local pathways and byways to reconnoitre and explore.

So I shall give up this short Open University coursework. I shall delete the plans and degree timetable from my computer. I will say goodbye to the idea of 'studying'.

And take a big breath. And breath out slowly.

And nod my head as I agree with myself at what I have decided.

And I am happy.