Mmmm.

I've had a few shocks to my system during the past 3 weeks. For the life of me, I couldn't bring myself to blog during that time.

Sorry about that.

See.......here I am now....it's 9.30..ish, blogging. Normally I'd have a glass of something sitting on the table, by the keyboard, from which I'd have a sip every now and again.

Yes, you guessed - the glass would contain wine or lambrini or a bacardi breezer or something else of a similar nature....all alcoholic.

Of course....one glass would lead to two, perhaps three or more. Sometimes two bottles of whatever it was in an evening. Sometimes, however I wouldn't drink any alcohol for one or two or three days in a row. 

Yet...I always did return ..........to walking down to the shop to buy myself a bottle of something on the fourth evening.  

I felt I deserved the drink in the evening. I had worked hard during the day, I said to myself. I felt it was sophisticated to have a drink in the evenings. Certainly my parents could not have ever  afforded or shown their 'sophisticated' tastes by indulging in an evening 'cocktail'. So it proved to me I was a step up from them, in some way. My partner smokes so why shouldn't I have an indulgence too, I said to myself. Sometimes life was so bl..dy boring - a drink would cast a sleepy glow over the whole facade and then I wouldn't have to feel so dead. Sometimes the stress of an argument or a sadness or a memory was too much to bear 'again' and I just needed those one or two drinks to obliterate all the repetitious, monotonous, thoughts that would crowd my mind.

Mind you .....had I always drank alcohol in the evenings? No, not at all.  I used not to be able to afford such a luxury. I used to think alcohol tasted horrible. I used to only drink in a pub on an evening out. I used to have one drink and not even consider having a second drink....purely because I never, ever thought about alcohol as being part of my life.

I'm a lone drinker. It means I can drink by myself at home. I don't need a party. I don't need a friend to drink with. I don't need anyone.....I just liked the drink. That was good enough for me.

And where do you think this all leads too..................?

It leads to fat.
To self misery.
To irritability.
To stupidity.
To glorification of self and the consequent 'falling flat on my face' syndrome.
To vomiting.
To broken promises.
To strained muscles.
To taking days off work.
To depressed thoughts.
To a partner who looks at you askance.
To failing in an interview.
To bad dreams.
To drinking at any old time at all.
To addiction.
To more broken promises.

To standing in front of the mirror one morning and being pitied by my own reflection. The look of horror on her face!

Have I come to this - the reflection asks?

........................?

I see that is exactly what I have allowed it to come too.

.........................!

I must not drink alcohol.

I won't drink alcohol.

I will never drink alcohol.